My Official Public Apology to the RLSH Community

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    To All Whom it May Concern,

    I’m the one to blame for the distrust towards new members of the community. I have been so blinded by my own anger and hatred for so many years, that I continuously failed to acknowledge it’s effect on other people, and not just on the internet. I’ve caused my own family MOUNTAINS of stress…and I could never see it because I was too focused on vengeance against the WASPS. …I’ve realized too late that my hatred and anger was spreading like a contagious disease; corrupting others like a cancer and destroying everything in it’s path. ….I failed to see that for those three years I was away from home, I was NOT the only one in my family who was suffering. ….It disgusts me that I was too stupid to realize this before digging myself a deeper and deeper hole.

    To my family and friends whom I’ve pushed away, and for Savage, for Paladin, for all other newcomers who were targeted because of me; for the veterans who have shown profound wisdom, leadership, and patience…for the moderators, and the admins; for Superman, Omen, Gauge, Urban Avenger, and all the others who tried to talk some sense into me when I was about to jump into the abyss of no return: I sincerely, thoroughly, wholeheartedly and deeply apologize for my inappropriate, idiotic, immature, irrational and impulsive behavior.

    Your efforts to help me during my darkest moments were NOT in vain….I just figured out the true significance of the message far too late. I’ve been so far behind in life that I thought I was first, and looking back at who I was before Utah, I’ve realized that I’m a complete FAILURE in every sense of the word to the little boy that I used to be.

    I’ve told myself in the past that whoever I used to be died in that desert, but that’s only true if I choose it to be true…..and for the first time in over a decade, I don’t feel like I HAVE to choose hate. It may be easier to hate….but it’s stronger to hope.

    I made the wrong promise to the wrong little boy all those years ago. I need to focus on making my old inner child proud; not the tortured little kid pounding his head against the cement floor in an obs chamber in some mad science dungeon. That little boy clearly wasn’t thinking straight when he promised to kill everybody.

    ….I understand I can’t just say “I’m sorry” and expect people to trust me overnight, but it’s my sincere hope that, perhaps this time around, my return can actually be BENEFICIAL to the community in helping alleviate suspicions for those who doubt the legitimacy of our newest members, whom I can’t apologize enough to from the bottom of my heart.

    I have no more than one account on here, nor have I for quite some time, and I haven’t any reason, nor desire, to hide myself or deceive anyone in any manner whatsoever, in spite of what some rumors may suggest.

    ….Kids deserve so much better than the monster I almost became, and I CAN be better.

    ….We all have a dark side, and we’ve all said things we’ve later regretted…..but we can still choose the light. It’s NEVER too late to choose to do GOOD instead of succumbing to EVIL. ….And it’s not good to kill people, even if they did ruin my life; even if they DESERVE it, it’s not my place to decide who lives, and who dies. My parents wanted me to be BETTER than that. …I can’t let them down, and I can’t let those kids down. …They need a hero that they can actually look up to….and they’ll never look up to a heartless killer.

    …If anyone has any questions, comments or concerns, I’ll do my best to answer as thoroughly as I possibly can, and clarify anything that may have been confused or misunderstood, and I accept full responsibility for my actions and words. If I could go back and do things differently, I would, but I can’t. I was young, stupid, stubborn, and angry and I screwed myself over VERY early on, and as the pressure grew and grew, I blew up like a hand grenade.

    Special thanks to my father for putting things into perspective in a way that nobody else was able to do for me. It’s largely because of him that I began seeing the severe errors of my ways in the first place. We had a pretty heartfelt discussion I may go into at a later time.

    My mother, for having the courage to show me how she really felt about my former ambitions, and for being living proof that people can indeed overcome their inner darkness.

    My nieces and my nephew especially, for bringing out my paternal instincts and reminding me what the world looks like through the eyes of a child, and being the ULTIMATE reason why I’m adopting a strict no-killing rule.

    Kids need me to be a ROLEMODEL. Not a heartless soldier like the WASPS tried to turn me into. Kids need warmth, and light, and hope, and FAITH….all things which I once had as a little kid, but somewhere along the line it got lost…

    …Only after having to take care of little kids did it occur to me that who I was turning into was in NO position to be saving kids in any functional capacity WHATSOEVER…..I am so, so sorry and I feel greatly ashamed that I didn’t see this sooner. I can’t apologize enough.

    Sincerely,

    204

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