Those Aren’t Luchadores: Real-Life Superheroes
Originally posted: http://nerdbastards.com/2010/08/13/those-arent-luchadores-real-life-superheroes/
by Jeff Sparkman
Lots of nerds have dreamed of being a superhero, myself included. Alas, I didn’t have the fortune to have been sent to Earth from a doomed planet as an infant, and I have yet to be offered a position as an intergalactic cop. Plus, with me being colorblind, that could cause some confusion between the Green Lanterns and Red Lanterns.
That pretty much leaves the option of being a DIY superhero. And this is the point at which the average enthusiast says, “Aw, screw it.” Seriously: if you have a hard time even making it to the free pilates classes at work even though it’s in the conference room just down the hall, how are you going to make time to train and become a paragon of strength and athleticism?
Batman had the advantage of having money out the ass, so he could afford to go train with the finest in the world. Us? Community college, the YMCA, or private lessons with Sensai Wynoski.
Also–and not to pick on Batman, but he’s the perfect example of a nonpowered hero–Batman could afford a high-tech outfit to wear while fighting crime.
You know how much of a bitch it is to sew a Spandex costume? That shit stretches even if you just look at it, so when you’re cutting it, the pieces can end up distorted. Plus, you need a surger to get seams that will stretch with the Spandex. Sure, you can half-ass it with a zigzag stitch on a regular sewing machine, but you take some risks.
The last thing you want is to drop down from a fire escape to intimidate a mugger and have your pants rip when you land and your junk pops out. That’s not the image you want to give.
Or maybe it is; I’m not here to judge.
Anyhow, it is equally heartwarming and disturbing that there are people trying to live the superhero dream in real life. If you go to the World Superhero Registry (suck on that, Civil War), you can see dozens of our protectors of humanity.
And no, it’s not a total sausage fest, either; there are superheroines, too. The thing you probably never thought about before is abundantly clear when you look at the list of heroes: the comic publishers have taken most of the good names. Not to diss the real-life guardians of justice, mind you. They’re doing the best they can with what’s left over.
So really, even before they hit the streets to fight crime, they’ve got the odds against them.
1) No powers
2) Superhero costumes don’t transfer well into real life
3) People think you are a few fries short of a Happy Meal
4) You are stuck with a name like Dildor the Penetrator
5) Okay, that’s actually not that bad of a name, but you know what I mean.
6) I already have dibs on using Sparkman as a hero name, so don’t even try it.
There’s video about the real-life heroes:
I think it’s pretty awesome that these superheroes are helping out in their communities, like assisting the homeless and stuff, but if you want to be an effective superhero, I would steer clear of local news broadcasts, because you know they’re always going to stick you in the same slot they reserve for the guys dressed as Klingons at Star Trek conventions or old men with soda can collections. It reduces your street cred. For crap sakes, don’t give your real name!
This is just me, but can you heroes switch from having MySpace pages? That just looks bad.
But sincerely, keep up the good work. People may talk shit, but at least you’re doing something to try to help. Stay safe.